The Official 2025 Trump Administration Longevity Predictions (Part 1)
A Comprehensive Prediction On When, How, and Why Each Trump Nomination Will Be Fired
Well folks, we’ve been here before. It’s a week or so before Donald J. Trump takes office, and he’s got his little collection of freaks and villains all lined up for the incoming administration. Remember Reince Priebus? Anthony Scaramucci? Alexander Acosta? Rick fucking Perry? Probably not, but they were once in this vaunted group, too. Until they weren’t. So with a whole new rogue’s gallery of malformed tech industry dweebs, Floridian billionaires and downright DC Swamp Monsters assembled, only one thing remains - their inevitable and humiliating dismissal at the hands of our big wet chief executive. To that end, I would like to issue Krang’s Official Predictions™ on the matter! Below you will find each nominee (in no particular order), with accompanying prophecy about the timing, cause, and means of their firings. Enjoy!
Marco Rubio
Nomination: Secretary of State
When He Will Be Fired: Spring 2026
Why He Will Be Fired: One thing we know about Rubio is that there is no amount of public humiliation that could cause him to ever bat an eyelash. A lot of really short guys spend their lives with a big chip on their shoulder, but not Marco - he recognizes 6’3” Donald as his better and acts like it. No insult could cause him to even momentarily pause in the generous Trump-tonguing that is his post-2016 life, no extremely public pantsing would ever make him waver even slightly in his dedication - so it’s highly unlikely that his firing will be the result of any sort of internal power struggle or refusal to do Trump’s insane bidding. He will do everything that is asked of him until one day Trump unceremoniously fires him - maybe as a sacrificial lamb for some ridiculous foreign entanglement they’ve gotten us into (battlefield defeat against the Panamanian National Army, perhaps), maybe because he looks silly standing next to all the regular-sized adults in the group, or maybe just because Trump is sick of looking as his somehow-permanently-sweaty face. Maybe he’ll do it just because he thinks it’s funny (he’s right, it would be). Doesn’t really matter *fart noise* he’s outta here!
How He Will Be Fired: Trump Truth Social post (this one’s a total lock, btw)