Krang's Top 8 Predictions for The Next Four Years
Using My Powers of Prognostication to Speculate Wildly About Future Events
One thing that years and years of Too Much Posting has imbued me with is an uncanny ability to guess the stupidest things that are probably going to happen in our country at about a 56%-61% accuracy rate. It’s an utterly worthless power, and one I recognize that I have developed exclusively from acute website poisoning - but here we are. I’m going to make lemonade out of these shitty lemons - the next four years are going to be unimaginably stupid, which is right over the plate for me. So let’s pull out the calendar and speculate wildly!
Matt Gaetz Found Dead
When the news first broke of Gaetz’s loss of the AG nomination, there were tons of conservatives on Twitter wishcasting that he would resume his position in congress (as he was entitled to, having won his election), or even be appointed to Marco Rubio’s extremely wet and open senate seat by America’s Shortest Governor, Ron Desantis. This was of course, unbelievable cope - Gaetz immediate shrunk from the spotlight and sheepishly announced via his wife’s Instagram that he was going to write a book or something. Any reasonable individual could see this situation for what it was: whatever was in that House Ethics Report scared the absolute tits off of congressional Republicans (and this is a group that had no issue being led by a serial child-fondler for over a decade). The contents of that report were very obviously some Yellow-King-level shit - and now it’s going to be released publicly! So let’s soberly assess the situation for what it is: a rich nepotism case who has been dodging accountability for his entire life is embroiled in spiraling drug-and-sex-crime-fueled behavior, and has just lost his primary reason for keeping this even slightly under control. Drunk driving a car off of an Orlando highway, drowning face-down in a Tampa-area tide-pool, pushed out of a panel van in front of a Tallahassee hospital while overdosing…any of these things are possible. And for the record, I don’t wish death upon anyone - I’m just calling balls and strikes here.